Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
