I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
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