Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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