Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
