life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Randomize
