DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
