If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
me + whiskey = a bad person
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
dude. I can hear the air.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
