i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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