I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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