I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
