Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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