i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
