quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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