just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
