My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
