Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
