Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
