neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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