I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I have fence marks all over my body
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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