i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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