Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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