True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
