I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
