omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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