he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
it was like eating out sand paper
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
