my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
