Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Randomize
