Moan for me like Helen Keller
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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