Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
