Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
