even my farts smell like vagina
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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