Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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