he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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