Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
