so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
