Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Houston, we have a blender
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
