By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
