Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
