My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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