Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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