So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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