And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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