i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
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