I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
