I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
