life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
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