Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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