Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Randomize
