Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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