I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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