I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
